This has been a good week for..

Self esteem.
Believe it or not, I dont posses enough confidence to go up a stage and star rambling on about politics, financial or even 'what i want to eat today'.
I think ive always been shy, so talking to people has never been 'ME'.

or so i thought.

Last weekend, we (me and my mum) got the random-est call ever!
It was her long lost friend/colleague and he said that he was in London and he wanted to visit us.
Sure enough, on Saturday he turned up at our door with his business partner.
so the whole day was about talking/joking/laughing/reminiscing!
we covered a whole load of topic and we talked till it was time for dinner!
I didnt think much of the whole thing until when we were talking.. he told me that he thought i have changed.

'u were so shy when i met u after high school, and now look at u! so confident! and u can debate about the European financial situation with me! a business person!make sure u keep my contact! i will get u internship if u ever decide to go back to Malaysia!'

I was flattered, not because of anything..
but because.. after all this year living abroad, i do know a thing or two about the world.

U see, sometimes, i wonder if i learned anything from this 'living abroad' experience.
Would i be able to be one of those people who drops the random-est fact or figures in conversation (i would love to be that type of person)
Would i be able to tell my friends 'yes, i did learn a thing or two about Kate moss Autumn wardrobe'
Did i grow as a person?
Did i change for the better?
And, you would never notice the changes in yourself. so to be noticed from someone who is not your bestie/friend/relative/brother/mother/family does wonder for your self esteem doesnt it?

and this is a dirty little secret.
I cant picture myself living in Malaysia anymore.
its painful for me to say it, even more painful for me to admit it.
And its even more painful since i realize, thats where 'home' is.
where ure family and friends will welcome u with no hesitation.
so, what do u do?

I also have been told that iam ALWAYS and scarily happy all the time.
yes, i often wonder why do i smile and think positively all the time.
maybe because, deep down inside, iam a worry-er (thats another dirty little secret)
i worry all the time about the most ridiculous thing (whats gonna happen to my leftover nasi briyani?), so to counter it all and avoid slitting my wrist every nite, i laugh and joke and smile.

and lets face it, we have enough doom and gloom to last us another century rite?

oh god i miss my family!